A blog that contains many contents of my mind and how desperately I try to learn and understand so many different things.
|Posted by jtillm10 on January 24, 2014 at 6:55 PM||comments (0)|
What are my thoughts when I think about suicide?
Sometimes even when I am happy I think about ending my life. I think about what life would be like without me living. It is like I freeze in time or I am lost in the wind. Sometimes I consider suicide because I feel like I am not welcome here. I feel like this world is not for me. There is so much hurt, pain, and fear. I don’t think I can handle it sometimes.
Sometimes I make mistakes I can’t fix and then I feel like crying because sometimes these mistakes makes people not want to talk to me anymore. I love being alone, but at the same time I want comfort from others. I’m tired of making mistakes, and I am tired of thinking about all the suffering in this world. Sometimes I get this feeling like “it’s time.” As if my time to commit suicide has arrived. I’m happy where I am now and I know the world will keep moving even if I’m gone. I wonder if I touched anyone’s lives?
There is so much I want to be and I can’t be them all because my mind won’t let me. I want to be a conceptual thinker, a web designer, a philosopher, a scientist, a mathematician, a researcher, a writer, an author, a computer scientist, and I could go on for days. I want to learn 24/7, but my mind tells me it’s just too much. I hate that. I sometimes feel like I’d be happier dying knowing where I want to be rather than dying failing to get there. I want to be positive and tell myself I can reach my goals, and that it is stupid to believe otherwise, but I’m scared.
I think my problem is I care way too much. The average person seems to have the “care” thing all figured out, but I can’t seem to do it right. I get sad thinking about the people who ignore me because I can’t talk to them and make them happy. Stupid right? I wish I could stop caring. I want to die sometimes because then I won’t have to hurt so much. I get headaches a lot and I think sometimes it is because I think too much. I can’t stop thinking about everything. It makes it hard to sleep at night.
I miss people. I like being alone and being comfortable, but lately I have been learning to talk to people more. Sometimes when I talk to someone I really liked and I can’t talk to them any more I get so sad. I miss my teachers the most. They inspire me and then they just seem to forget about me. Why can’t we keep talking to everyone we care about? Why can’t we all be friends. It makes me want to die knowing I can never talk to the people who inspire me the most. So if I were to die right now, I would be both happy and sad. I think that is ok. At times I think that if I were gone everyone would be better off. I wonder if that is true. If the pain gets the best of me and I do die early, I hope that everyone knows that I tried really hard, but the pain was just too much. I don’t think people like me are meant to last this long, but I am trying to prove that wrong. I guess only time will tell.
- I wrote this after I rewatched the Perks of Being a Wallflower movie with my boyfriend Dan. It made me happy and I started thinking about how I felt when I read the book and then I started thinking about all the books I want to write, books about love, strength, Aspergers, and stories of people reaching nearly impossible goals. I get so happy and then I start to think about how the world is so sad. I am happy for this one moment and at the same time someone is in pain. They don't deserve that. Why should I be happy if they are in pain? Then suicide crosses my mind. I fight this a lot. So I am going to force myself to write down what I am feeling. I only posted this here because I don't think anyone will see it anyways. No one cares about reading huge pieces of text about some random person right? I will make a blog one day. Maybe people will read it, but that isn’t the point. I love to write and writing sometimes stops me from killing myself, just like it did right now.
I want to go read tons of books now. I want to be more like my inspirations, Albert Einstein and Socrates. They were geniuses. I want to be a genius a unique type of genius, and I can't kill myself if I want to be a genius.
|Posted by jtillm10 on April 24, 2013 at 5:00 PM||comments (0)|
Unsurprisingly, I really enjoyed reading “The Curious Researcher”. The title somewhat fits me so it was really exciting. I feel like I will definitely use this book for further writing in university and personal settings. I feel that I took a lot from this book. It really just gives you a different way to look at a college paper. It in a way gave me a formal yet friendly version of what I always wanted to imagine a paper to be, and it was all organized and in book form. I really can’t explain it well, but basically I really appreciate this book, the author, and the amazing teacher that gave me this book to read. Anyway back to the main point of the blog part one, I learned how to more efficiently organize the steps and process of writing a college paper. I mean I think I am decent at it, but this book really gives you the concepts that are great and why it works. I really like this because I hate not knowing why something works, but this book kind of guides you and tells you why certain things can really benefit your writing skills. Even though I didn’t do all of them and I kind of did them mentally the exercises also are really beneficial and helped me to realize how writing before you actually write your paper can help you organize your thoughts and research (knowledge). I would usually research and just write my paper only, but writing is a tool and it should be used as such so I will consider using writing before I actually write my final paper to help increase the strength of the actual paper. I hope this is all making sense, in my head it does. As writers we have to learn how to indulge ourselves in well, writing. We should use writing to reach out to others, develop knowledge an understanding, study, and as I learned in this book we should use writing to help us organize our thoughts. It really makes you think about how amazing writing really is. It can do so much. It is really amazing honestly. Research is fun and after reading this book, I see how I can really benefit and grow with every research paper college can ever give me.
I really don’t know if I know how to really defend my choices. I know that what I was trying to argue can be misinterpreted and I am not sure if in my paper I made sure that wouldn’t happen, which is why I didn’t really like my paper. I know this is weird, but I seriously had dreams about writing my paper, but I didn’t want to write it until the perfect time. I keep jotting down notes and thinking about different ways to do it. It was a weird few days. Anyway, I had such high expectations, as I always do, but I feel like I didn’t reach them completely. I think I may have done a good job, but not enough to satisfy my expectations. I don’t know, maybe I am too hard on myself. It is hard to defend my paper, but there are some positives that I will defend and that is what I will do now:
Since I know a lot about Aspersers it was hard for me to decide how much facts I would need. I was assuming my audience might know what Aspergers is and at the same time I was assuming they didn’t. So I wanted to make most of my research factual, because that is the information that I can only assume I know so some background can really help add an authentic touch to the paper. So I also tried to even out the use of these facts with opinion which would add to the conversation. I like to explain what I am thinking in my head with rhetorical questions. I really like them a lot. So I hope that these help encourage the reader to think about my opinion and the facts and what it all really means. Sometimes it is important for the reader to think for themselves. I can tell you what I think for days, but if you don’t think at all I will still be miles ahead of you. I really think these strategies I used are good and this is how I defend them by giving them an explanation.
I really wanted my audience to understand that I do not discourage an accurate diagnosis. I mean I use to want to be a doctor to help with research like this. I just feel that a diagnosis shouldn’t be looked at so subjectively. It should have more to do with the well-being of the person dealing with these issues, not whether or not I have AS or Classical Autism and whether or not the doctor is scientifically precise when he makes a diagnosis or chooses not to. Or whether or not the doctor is running out of time and ideas so he just gives the first diagnosis he can think of. All of that has a purpose and I understand the thought processes and reasons behind it, but sometimes those little details are the details that cause a person to go without getting the help that they really need. So overall the true objective is lost. I do not think that is right and I would defend that forever.
I personally am attached to this topic and I display that in the writing with journal excerpts and I think that this choice really allows the reader to connect with this scenarios and conversation I am trying to bring up. I know I am not the only one. I know this happens to other people as well and I really want to help those people or make people think twice about how they look and treat each other. Conformity is something I really hate about people. I tried to conform, but I couldn’t. I thought there was something wrong with me because I couldn’t. There is nothing wrong with me that I should be ashamed of in fact people should be ashamed of conforming.
I hope I defended properly. I really hope I did. Read below if you want to, but you don’t have to.
A Jounral Excerpt talking about a time I fought against conforming.
“I have a starring problem I really do, but sometimes I just find it so intriguing to look at people socialize, something I can’t do. I mean maybe I can understand people better when I watch them, right? I watch this boy in my high school a lot. I find him adorable, but not because of his looks, but because he hardly talks and he just doesn’t seem to care anymore. I mean the not caring part isn’t what I find adorable, but his awkward quietness really hit deep. He reminded me of myself. No one really talked to me unless they had to. I wanted to reach out to him, be his hero, be his friend. Why do I always care so much? That is why I always get hurt. I just really care about him. I know it is weird, but I feel he deserves attention. Everyone just ignores him as if he doesn’t even exist. Why do other people not care? I hate seeing people in their stupid cliques saying “Oh I understand that you are “blank” I will be there for you.” Yet someone who clearly needs someone they all ignore. Why? I don’t get it. I don’t think I ever will. So I told myself I won’t conform and just ignore him because everyone else is. I will talk to him. Then I remembered that I am extremely shy and it is hard for me to even socialize. I felt intimidated. I felt fear like no other, but the urge to not conform took over and I one day at lunch I saw him sitting by himself. I walked over to him trying to keep myself from shaking. I sat down next to him.
“Hey,” I said trembling a little.
“Hi,” he said blankly.
I can’t remember everything I tried to say to him because I was fighting to keep the conversation going (which I hate doing because it makes me feel bad), but I kept at it. I wanted him to open up to me somehow. I didn’t want it to feel like it was all for nothing. Then I asked him, in hopes that he would answer with something I could start a conversation with.
“What do you like to do for fun,” I said trying to keep my eyes on him even though I wanted to look away.
“You don’t do anything for fun, like video games?”
“So what do you do at home?” I was afraid I would sound weird prying, but I was worried. Did he really mean nothing?
I felt horrible. I felt like I failed. I couldn’t get anything out of him. I looked away and tried to calm myself. I wanted to stim so badly by shaking my leg or something, but I held it back.
“Well if you ever want someone to talk to, you can talk to me.”
He looked at me and I looked at him and I looked into his eyes, deep into his eyes. Nothing was all I saw.
I walked away in defeat and I thought to myself. What is he dealing with? Where is his pain coming from? What brought him to this point of nothing? The next year he was kicked out of the high school probably for failing every class because he never did any work. I remember looking for him at the beginning of the year, just to see if he was ok. I never saw him. Then I knew I really was alone. I hoped he was ok wherever he was. I hope he smiled somewhere. I hope that somehow I helped him. Why do I care so much, because now it hurts. It really hurts.
|Posted by jtillm10 on April 17, 2013 at 4:25 PM||comments (0)|
I am satisfied with a lot of the research I have done, but I am not satisfied with the amount of research I have collected. I want to fine more information because I need at least 6 sources in all and I do not know If I have enough of that yet. I will continue to work on finding valuable research before I start to write the first draft. I have been seeing factual information relating to my topic which I can use to verify the knowledge I assumed I already had and I also have been finding some highly educated opinions which relate more to my specific topic and approach. I was really glad to find this because it makes me feel like my topic is worth talking about and I have some highly educated people to support my topic. I just feel like I need to find more resource like this or maybe even resources of different sides to my topic.
My piece would take an argumentative approach because I want to argue my point and reach out to parents, people interested, doctors, and kids dealing with these similar issues and give them a new path to take or a new way to look at the situation. I also want to explore other possibilities or better yet encourage my readers to explore new possibilities after reading my piece. I want to open up a new path that is more caring and understanding and pure positive objective based rather than subjective.
I can really grasp my strong emotions about this topic with journal excerpts. What I mean is, as I am arguing my thesis with evidence from my resources and my own personal knowledge and experiences I want to draw the reader into how important this topic is by allowing them to read into the minds of what it is like to deal with Aspergers and other co- occurring conditions. I really think this could do many things for the piece, for instance it will draw the people interested in because they will not only be following my argument, but they will be able to better understand why this argument is so important. Doctors can be pulled in because they will see how misdiagnosis and cases that leads to a patient being undiagnosed can cause so much damage. No matter who the audience is I feel adding a personal point of view as I debate my thesis will truly allow the reader to understand the complications and pain that comes from Aspergers and co- occurring conditions and maybe somehow they will see the importance of “caring and understanding.” This over all is my main goal of my thesis.
Example Journal Excerpt:
“I sat there unwanted and lonely. I was scared, my heart pounding. I was hoping that their eyes wouldn’t meet mine. I was hoping that they wouldn’t feel the shame that was emitting from my cold body. I was hoping that they didn’t know I truly wanted to cry. Hoping hoping...”
|Posted by jtillm10 on April 11, 2013 at 8:00 AM||comments (0)|
My presentation actually went a lot better than I expected. Seems like people find the subject somewhat interesting which is what I was worried about. People seemed to find the topic interesting because of the topics complexity, which I think is great. I also was referred to someone who seems like he would have a lot of knowledge on the subject. I was very pleased to have gotten a response like that. I really appreciated it. I really hope I can be brave enough to take advantage of that opportunity because I would love to learn more than I already know from someone who knows a lot about the topic. So that was awesome! I already felt like I had a way to extend the conversation, I am just worried about starting up controversy or causing confusion. This topic angers me, scares me, and empowers me all at the same time for different reasons so I have to make sure I get my priorities straight so that I do not miss my own objective.Overall, I felt the presentations were helpful , but nothing will help me progress further than me building my own knowledge and focusing hard on how I can really add to this conversation.
My responses are as usual very long. I feel like my responses will be skimmed through, but hopefully they will be helpful. The last one I tried to write less because I clearly have issues going on there. I wish I could reply to everyone and help them all out, but I feel like I wouldn't help everyone as much I I could these particular people. I hope this is good enough!
Response to: Wendy Cha
I really like your topic and it is interesting to see that you have such a huge interest in Youtube. I have been apart of Youtube since about 2006 and honestly it truly is amazing how over the years people who use to just do videos for their own entertainment and/or to build a community now have created their own businesses and jobs. I also have a really strong interest in the subject and I also realize that I can answer some of you questions and maybe pin-point you in a certain direction you can take. You seem to have a lot of questions and I will try to answer some, but I will also give you info on some Youtubers I support highly who you can also learn from. I realize your interest in Youtube is very broad so you may not like the youtubers I show you because I follow specific youtubers that pertain (to my interests obviously), but if you look past what those specific youtubers do and look at how to answer your question through these youtubers (if that makes any sense, sorry this is hard for me to explain), maybe it will help you find some other youtubers etc or a subject you want to focus your paper on.
Now to answer your questions the best I personally can.
How does anyone begin earning money from a site like this?
Youtubers earn money from the views and (Youtube Ads), through Google AdSense obviously. Some youtubers also join different Networks which give you money for their ads. There are a lot of different networks each with their own Pros and Cons so if you want you can focus on this aspect.
Can you earn money because of how many people subscribe to you or do you have to collaborate with them?
Sub count honestly has nothing to do with how much money you make. You could have 500k subs and if only 500 watch your videos well…you know you are not going to make much money. Getting a lot of subscribers is a great personal achievement though. Also the more subs you have the more likely new viewers will be attracted to your page, I mean who is more appealing someone with 500 subs or someone with 300k? If you mean collaborate with your subscribers, you definitely can. Being on Youtube is like building a community. Your subscribers (the active ones), can interact with you in all different ways. But the real money is made from views and the type of ads you have.
If people from all over the world can view you, is it safe?
Being on the internet regardless is dangerous if you are not aware of the potential dangers. Being on Youtube is no different. As long as you are smart about it you are safe. If you make videos advertising where you live and how much money you have well…I would be a little worried. If you are interested in this aspect maybe you can dive into this.
Are there collaborations with other companies and can you branch out? How much can you earn from just posting up videos? Youtubers are not really allowed to tell how much money they make. It is actually in contract that they are not allowed to do this. But people who understand how Youtube works make nearly accurate assumptions and if you look it up you can find a lot of info about this. If this is the direction you want to take of course.
Who are already famous and where are they now?
What do you mean by famous? A lot of youtubers would deny being famous. Here is where I can link you to some youtubers with all different size fanbases.
Ty Moss is a Tech youtuber who also posts daily vlogs of his life with his girlfriend. He actually claims Youtube is his main job and he is happy and living a stable life this way. His Tech channel has over 300k subs and his vlog channel is just about to hit 70k I believe. The point is he is a youtuber who is living purely off of youtube. He also doesn’t have like 1mill subscribers on either of his channels. But he and his girlfriend share multiple channels and both make Youtube their job and Youtube is their lifestyle. I find them interesting because maybe you can look into the actual life style of youtubers if that interests you.
Links: http://www.youtube.com/tymoss (You can check them out and their other channels if you wish)
Austin Evans is another Tech youtuber, who also makes his living off of Youtube. He also has had some writing jobs for other internet sites, but most of his income is from Youtube. You can see in the quality of his videos that he takes his Youtuber career very seriously. He has a lot of equipment and puts hours into every video. This also brings up the idea that Youtube is not just a career you can just be lazy about. You can explore the aspect of Youtube as a serious career and the kind of equipment that is used to make high quality videos.
Of course those were just 2 random youtubers which I feel bring up 2 different aspects of Youtube. Freddie Wong is a big youtuber who has written some articles about becoming successful on Youtube. He is multi-talented as well and if you want to read into him and some of the work he has done feel free.
As you said Youtube is a huge environment. I could give you tons of youtubers, but in the end you have to find which topic interests you the most and which path you want to take. Now I may know a lot about Youtube, but I am no expert. That comes with time. So read into Freddie W and other youtubers that interest you and pin-point some main topics you want to focus on. The possibilities are limitless. Good Luck!
BTW: Ignore any typos I made during the production of this response – Thanks!!
Response To: Kenneth Pressley or Logan
You already seem very knowledgeable of your topic you just seem to need help knowing which direction to take it all in. A lot of people already mentioned some good points and ideas I decided I will just repeat some and add some more emphasis.
Steroid use in High Schools:
So your main idea seems to be that you want all high school students to be checked for steroid use because of its harmful side effects. You also seem to want to be able to reach out to high school kids that the cons of steroid use is a lot worse than the pros. I feel you have a very good subject. It is great to see that you are a very caring individual. I think this path is great and you could really add a lot more to the conversation, by explaining how you plan to work out this idea of yours. Force people to think about your side and then as a result more people can add onto your version of the conversation and in the end develop a better plan for the future.
Stuff you can mention:
- You can mention personal attachments that cause these kids to want to use steroids in the first place and talk about ways to prevent kids from getting into these scenarios to begin with. You have some personal attachment as well so you can really hit on this.
- - You can focus on the health risks heavily and talk about how maybe getting it out there the seriousness of the health risks can help encourage kids to find other ways?
- - You can even take a more political approach and talk about how the government needs to intervene more on this scenario and everywhere (not just in certain schools).
- - You can talk about all the different ways to catch a student using steroids and how more research and time should be put into these kind of technologies to increase their accuracy. Another student mentioned how the line should be drawn between these certain drugs. Where should the line be and what should qualify as a steroid or what is not?
- - Another kid also talked about how you could focus on the psychological end of this issue. What goes through kid’s heads and makes them want to do this. Then use the psychological view point to hit back to help encourage kids to stay away. This kind of correlates with my first point, but I hope this all helps. Good Luck!
Response to: Zachary Roatenberry
I really like your topic and car technology is pretty interesting. I think you can try if you want to focus on your favorite type of car (or technology) and then from there focus on pin- pointing the pros and cons. Then once you have a working knowledge of those particular pros and cons you can add to the conversation by talking about how we as people can develop a plan to getting that technology out and running successfully in the real world. I feel this can be a more entertaining way to direct your project. I also read an article about two guys debating about diesel vs electric cars. It was on going about the pros and cons of each and which one would be more successful and beneficial in the long run. Maybe you can take this approach? Car technology is always improving and I feel you can add to the conversation by developing a working knowledge and using that knowledge to build a new future for that specific technology. Anyway, this was just a random idea. Good Luck!
|Posted by jtillm10 on April 2, 2013 at 12:20 AM||comments (0)|
More about Aspergers Disorder/Syndrome
- Random Sites and Blogs
I have done a lot of prior research into Aspergers as a disorder/syndrome, but they were mainly relating to the symptoms and struggles. I realized that for the topic I am trying to focus on I would want to be dealing with the troubles of misdiagnosis or someone being undiagnosed, and I would have to specify my searches. Another important concept I realized which made me think twice about choosing this topic is that there are two sides to my inquiry question. Aspergers can be misdiagnosed in many different ways. Some can lead to positive results or negative results. What I mean really is that some people, like me, may self-diagnose themselves inaccurately with Aspergers when there are many similar disorders that can intertwine and explain the symptoms they are dealing with. I notice there is a lot of debate and confusion with this kind of stuff online. I noticed this on this website here.
I also found a website that named many disorders that Aspergers kids can get misdiagnosed with or vice versa. Some of these disorders I also know a lot about and some I didn’t and I found it very interesting. The most interesting concept was that a "gifted child", can be misdiagnosed with Aspergers because many of the symptoms of Aspergers can correlate with the issues that gifted kids deal with. Does this mean that I may just be a gifted kid and not have Aspergers at all? How can we approach these confusing scenarios?
An Aspergers site were people blog and post about many issues relating to Aspergers Syndrome
This website once again brings up symptoms and reasons for misdiagnosis and undiagnosis.
A Picture that I really like is this one. It displays how in the mind of someone with (Autism period) or Aspergers Syndrom and many other Autism related disorders is that their mind feels like a large puzzle. I do not know if this is the kind of images you expected, but I liked it.
I realize that my topic can bring up a lot of debates and questions. Since Autism disorders are on a spectrum what can truly qualify someone on certain parts of the spectrum? It can be very confusing to diagnose and handle. I was somewhat formally diagnosed (in secret), meaning kept away from family, by a therapist doctor (a therapist with a PHD blah blah), she followed some sort of criteria as she read a book and I explained my story to her. She said most of my story follows the criteria of an aspie kid, What does this mean though? Where do I even go from there? A misdiagnosis can be both damaging and positive. For me it was positive because it explains why I am the way I am and that it is not all my fault. Years of torture and confusion were somewhat explained. But so many other kids with aspergers or other disorders get misdiagnosed and undiagnosed and they feel trapped in a very painful and confusing world. That is how I felt until I started to learn more about it. This makes me think about my audience. It can be parents who question the behavior of their kids. It can be people who are just curious and want to understand what it is like to be in this trap of the mind. It can even be kids themselves who feel lost and want to find an outlet. Either way my audience wouldn’t be anyone specific. If it is too specific I will miss people. Missing people would mean failure in my eyes. Sometimes reading something that may not be intended for you can open your eyes to things. So I never want to leave anyone out.
I watched two movies recently. One is called, "The Bully Project", the other is called, "Bang Bang You're Dead". I loved both of these movies, but they also add a lot to my inquiry topic. I know what you are thinking movies are a little too much. I still want to talk about them because they focus on two different points my inquiry question brings up. First we have, "The Bully Project". If you haven't heard of this before it is basically a movie made to shed light on how horrific bullying is with a motivation to help encourage other kids and people around the world to help stop it. I feel the movie was great, but one character's story struck me the most. His name was Alex Libby, a shy six grader who during the movie was verbally and physically bullied and a loner at school. He didn't understand that the way people were treating him was seriously wrong. He felt that that was how friends were. He also tried to tell on these kids, but felt it didn't really change anything so instead of telling people of his bullying he just hid it inside. His story reminds me a lot of my story. I felt for him a lot. His story spoke to me and something about his story always made me think of myself and my struggles. So after the movie I researched this boy Alex Libby. Call me a stalker I honestly could care less. I read about his progress since the movie and was happy to hear that things were going better for him. I also read though that Alex had Aspergers. When I read this I guess I could say. "I knew it". Honestly it made me almost cry because I also get this feeling when I think someone knows what I am going through. When I happen to be right it makes me warm inside. Either way his story speaks a lot about the struggles of Aspergers and because of the movies his issues got shed to light and now he in improving and getting better. If life had continued on for him the way it was before he may have never gotten the help or attention he needed. He would have continued to suffer. Allowing him to speak in front of others to fight against bullying gave him the confidence he never had. I think this movie adds a lot to my inquiry question.
Then we have "Bang Bang You're Dead", and I know what you are thinking. This is a sick movie, but actually it is not. It is about a boy who after being bullied so much he threatened to bomb the football team and actually goes far enough to build a fake bomb and plant it in the bleachers. Ever since then he is marked as a bad kid, a trouble maker. Add a little sociology and psychology into the mix and you see how this label only negatively affects him. So he gets into this play about a boy who after his girlfriend leaves him offs his parents and kills five students. On the side he is making a video about how bullying affects kids, how he affected him, how he believes that if he were to kill these kids people will finally understand the pain and torment they put him through. The message in the play Bang Bang You're Dead shows another side of the bully story. It talks about how after you kill these people there is no escaping the crime you committed. You are a murderer the rest of your life. So than he realizes that that isn't the way out and that hopefully this play will speak to both bullies and victims so that people stop hurting each other this way. Little did you know this play is legit and has been performed all around America. The moral is pretty clear, but the point I feel connects it to my inquiry topic is that what if there was a kid with Aspergers or any other syndrome or disorder. All people did was bully him/her or ignore them. What if they thought the only way out was to kill. I feel if people were more aware and understanding or just simply caring than these people wouldn’t have to suffer, maybe if they knew that there are other people dealing with the same struggles they are and that they really aren’t alone they will stand up and live.
- Educational/Knowledgeable Sources
I used some of Google Scholar to find some more articles relating to "Aspergers and misdiagnosis"
I found this article which goes about explaining about early indicators of Aspergers Syndrome. I was thinking that I could use this is pinpoint symptoms that can be confused with other disorders or use it as a reference for explanation. There are many possibilities.
I was really happy to find this PDF written by a doctor. I read the abtract and I already knew this had the potential to be a great source. It pin points my main point of discussion and I can see it really adding some "knowledge" to my case, as I read and understand from a much higher educated point of view.
I started watching Ted videos on the Science channel (Back when I use to watch TV haha), and I got addicted. I seriously love this idea and I think it is great. One video I saw on TV and got lucky enough to find on the site again was about Temple Grandin speaking about Autism and how "the world needs different kinds of minds". It is a great video and I feel it may be able to add to my view inquiry topic in a way. It opened my eyes to see no matter what the diagnosis is if my way of thinking is different I should embrace it and so should many others!
~~ Final Words
I am still doing more research and will most likely add more than what is just in this post, but as of now I realize my inquiry question brings up a lot of new sides and questions that interest me. Now that I see there are two sides to this debate I realized that I have to take that into consideration. As much as I know that people would attack me and say that I am not a real aspie and that I may have tons of other disorders. I also know that at the same time people would tell me that when I reach out for help therapist may tell me that there is nothing wrong with me and that I am normal, but at the same time I may have Aspergers or another disorder and I am sent home feeling even more lost than I was before. Which is the right side? I mean I will save that for you to decide. What I realized though is that there is not one right side exactly because it shouldn't be about whether he/she is a true aspie or not. If someone is in need someone should care. If someone is alone someone should be there. If someone is bullied for something they can’t control someone should stop it. If someone is hurting someone should be there for them. So I want to take the side that chooses to care about everyone in need, whether or not I am an aspie or just a gifted kid. Whether or not I am neither and just have a pile of disorders on my back. It shouldn’t matter. I struggle. If others struggle I want to write to them. I want them to understand why being misdiagnosed or undiagnosed can happen and then I want them to know that no matter what position they are in. They can be better tomorrow and all other days to come.
|Posted by jtillm10 on March 27, 2013 at 10:45 PM||comments (3)|
There are a lot of different topics I would love to explore and inquire on. The one I am possibly going to choose is a question about Aspergers. There are a lot of things in this world I really do not understand. I like to question a lot of different things. Why is Science so interesting? How intelligent can we create ourselves to be? Are we in control of our own intelligence? Can we be self-made geniuses and prodigies? What does being a nerd or a geek really mean? How do I qualify as a nerd or a geek? Why does the color of my skin justify me being teased for my weight? Why do people form cliques instead of everyone being friends? Why is it so hard to find the right words to say verbally? Why are people like predators to one another? Why do girls have to wear make-up and dresses? Why do they feel inclined too? Why does rap music change people so much? Why do people look up to ignorant celebrities rather than intelligent people like Albert Einstein? Why was being a nerd a bad thing in the past and now everyone acts like it is so sexy now? Why was I so naive and let people hurt me so much? Why am I so nice and not mean? Why do bad things happen to good people? Why do bad things have to happen? Why do we have to hurt so much? Why was I stuck in this paradox depression for so many years? The questions can go on and on. That is how my mind works, always analyzing everything. Asking so many questions and getting so few answers. Sometimes I get really emotional and cry because I can't find answers to my own questions. This is ok though. I am learning that some questions won't have answers, at least not yet.
So I inquire about many things. That is pretty obvious at this point. If you made it this far I truly admire you. My mind can be very hectic at times. The topic I may be choosing is something really personal that I inquire about for many different reasons. I want people to try harder to understand, I want people to know, I want to know, and I want to bring people together so that I don't have to live in this constant paradox anymore.
My topic is why is Aspergers so commonly misdiagnosed? I inquire about this topic because one day I was researching this about this for a school project and my heart and mind stopped. I realized I was reading about myself rather than about a random disorder I had to study. I wanted to cry, but I hate crying and I was in school. So I didn't cry, but I got really obsessed and I researched so much about Aspergers and what it meant. My brother has autism. They say he is low-functioning. So I knew a lot about autism and I always was interested in it. I taught my brother a lot of things. I love him, but I am always afraid to socialize a lot with him. I feel like a horrible sister. All my life I was different. I didn’t understand a lot of social things. When I got to middle school these limitations I had were displayed in a sort of spotlight. I got picked on a lot. At first it didn't matter I thought I was strong. It was daily and constant. It was from people I thought were my friends. I use to wonder to myself, why do you always have to say something bad about me? Why? I just don't get it. I would get really angry. I was so naive and nice I would just shrug it off and drive myself crazy trying to avoid getting talked about. I hid myself in big clothes. I was just depressed. When teachers started joining in on the fun it made it so much worse. I felt horrible about myself. I hated myself. I was very suicidal and if I didn’t have faith I probably would be dead. This all isn't the point though. I couldn't help the way I was. I never met a person in my life who didn't call me weird. I hate when people look at me in that way, but it is almost inevitable. It has been years since the worst times. High school was more of the same, but when I was in tenth grade I realized that maybe I was so weird because I had Aspergers? When I presented this project to the class it made me shake. I was so nervous I thought I would faint. I felt like I was diagnosing myself through a presentation.
In the end, as of now I am a self-diagnosed Aspie. A lot of people would look at me and say, "you aren't an Aspie you are normal." I swear these comments infuriate me, but I stay calm because I am different. Aspergers is a complex disorder. It is a part of the spectrum of autism which doctors don't know every single little detail about yet. I know I am not like my brother because I am high-functioning. I know I am not stupid or retarded. I feel people do not understand the struggles someone with high - functioning autism goes through. Everyone is different. Many go undiagnosed or misdiagnosed. Some live great productive lives and others live a life of torment. You know that guy who never talked in class? Everyone thought was weird? Everyone ignored? Then a few years later he decides to go on a rampage and hurts others. Well what a shock. "He was that weird kid who never really talked." Well why didn't you care? Why? Why because he wasn't in your clique? Because he was not a cool kid? I think it is really stupid. I remember myself in high - school being so shy and nervous. I was ignored by everyone. I would think something was really wrong with me. When in reality I wasn't doing anything wrong. I just had Aspergers. I was different. Why do I deserve to be alone? Because I dressed weird? Because I can't find the right words to say? Because I don't like make - up? No, because people do not care. They just don't. People are stupid. Not everyone. I have met some amazing people who in a way saved my life. But the majority doesn’t. Maybe if I inquire into Aspergers and why it goes undiagnosed r misdiagnosed. Maybe if I explain why it hurts so much, and maybe if I learn about Aspergers more than I do know and spread that knowledge and try to connect the minds of people who otherwise would just ignore this problem. Maybe just maybe the world can get a little better.
I am sorry for this rant. I truly am. This topic really makes me start to fast type/write like crazy. I feel like I had to stop it early. I feel like I needed to stop because only 1% of people would read this anyway. I don't mind though. If you do read this I appreciate it. I have been hiding how I feel about Aspergers for years. I have only told 2 people in my life that I believe I have it. So I guess whoever reads this will find out. I really care about everyone. I really do. That is why I want to learn and write. Hopefully there are people out there on the other end to read and understand. I will not delete this though. I want to keep it here because I felt like I needed to get this out of my head, so why should I delete it?
*** If you do not want to read that huge essay above. Please read here for the Assignment without a rant ***********************
Why is Aspergers so commonly misdiagnosed?
This topic interests me because I have a personal connection to it. I have done a lot of prior research about it, but I want to specifically look into why the symptoms may be over looked and many people with Aspergers go undiagnosed or misdiagnosed. Aspergers is a really complex disorder. Just like autism in general it has a lot of different symptoms on a spectrum. Just like autism different people experience different symptoms, but they are all very similar in some ways. For instance my brother has Autism, but he can't talk at all and only communicates with loud noises or with objects. Other kids with Autism may be able to speak, but deal with a lot of uncontrollable stimming. Overall Autism as well as Aspergers is a complex spectrum. I inquire to learn more about and in the end understand myself, the world, and why these kinds of disorders go misdiagnosed. I want people to know how important it is to understand that all people deserve respect and our own social temptations shouldn't get in the way of that. This topic really interests me. I want to learn about it for many different complicated reasons.
You can analyze this topic in many different ways too. You could read it to learn more about Aspergers, or to think differently about how Aspergers affects others, or you could read it and think of ways to add to the topic. If I was writing this for people who I could expect caring input from I would expect them not to bash my work, but to add to it. Tell me what they agree or disagree with or what they believe would explain my question. Overall I would hope (if I write this accurately) that this essay would allow people to think and understand something they never thought about his way before. I want people to care more about each other. I want to somehow change the world and the way people think about Aspergers and many other disorders. Overall I really just want people to care.